Full Quiver…?

Since before we married, DH and I have struggled with the issue of “controlling” our fertility.  Was it our place to try to limit the number of children we have or space the way we think best?  Or should we, in faith, welcome God’s blessings into our lives and trust that He who blesses will also provide?

On the one hand, children are a blessing.  They fill our days with purpose and joy now and they provide a hope for security in our old age.  They are our legacy and a priceless gift from our Father.  And since when do we ask God to stop blessing us?  “We’ve had enough, God, but thanks anyway…” 

And yet, each blessing is also a tremendous responsibility and, yes, a lot of work.  The task of parenting is no walk in the park (though many walks in the park will undoubtedly be taken).  Rather I have found that being a parent is the most challenging task I have ever been given and I cannot imagine a more difficult one in my future.  It requires of me a level of selflessness and patience and wisdom that I do not possess, and I find that the bar is raised with the addition of each “addition.”  It pushes me past my limits and to my knees.  It molds me, with chisle and hammer, and it refines me in fire.  I am broken and remade again and again, and each time I hope I look a little bit more like Christ and a little bit less like a lump of clay.

And each child, with their unique set of gifts to be directed and enjoyed and challenges to be overcome, stretches me and shapes me further.  And while I never get tired of the bouquets of “flowers”, a refrigerator covered in drawings, peek-a-boo, sloppy kisses, and bedtime stories, I do weary of the training.  From potty training to educational training to character training, it is arduous work.  I know it is worth it, but I’m not sure how much more I can do (especially when I don’t feel like I’m doing such a bang up job anyway).  I am in the trenches everyday with the three children I have, and looking forward to adding the fourth is plenty daunting.  As these little ones grow, we face challenges that make me want to send DH for a minor surgery.  And we have more to come.  The “adventure” of adolescence and beyond is still ahead of us by a few years, and I would at least like to be out of the potty training phase by then.  I have a feeling I’m going to need the extra energy.

Of course this issue goes back and forth endlessly for me.  God has promised to supply all my needs.  He is sufficient for me.  Whether we are wondering how to feed and clothe them all, or we are fresh out of wisdom and insight for a problem at hand, He will provide.  If we have more children, I fully believe God will supply my every need.  I just don’t know if I really want to test that.  (I read once that a person only needs 4 hours of sleep a night…)

I am, perhaps, a bit selfish in looking forward to a time before I am quite fifty when the house stays clean when I pick it up and DH and I can go out to dinner without rounding up some babysitting.  But though that seems like such a peaceful, relaxing picture to me now, when it comes, will I be feeling empty, wishing once again for that tiny hand in mine and those sticky kisses on my cheek? 

But God will still provide.  Isn’t that why He gives us grandchildren?