"You're just being so mean to me!" Bud yells at me from his bed. "I'll get you for this!" He screams. *Sigh* You see, it is bedtime at our house and he's upset over my choice of bedtime music tonight, but the reason is really pretty inconsequential. It could be just about anything, and often is.
All the parenting books and articles I've ever read, from Baby Wise to Parenting Magazine have stressed the importance of a bedtime routine. So ours goes something like this.
7 p.m. – "Time to get ready for bed. Go get your pj's on!" I announce cheerfully. (Hey, I'm excited. It's been a long day…)
7:15 – "Get your teeth brushed and go potty — Bud, stop running around naked and get your pajamas on…."
7:30 Storytime (sometimes Bud makes it through without having to go to bed before the end of the story, sometimes not)
8:00 p.m. Prayer time/lights out/make sure everybody has a drink of water in their room
8:05 p.m. Music on. I station myself outside Bud's room for guard duty.
8:06-9:30 or 10:00 p.m. Send Bud back to bed. Remind him to be quiet. Go confiscate any toys he's snuck in bed with him. Send Bud back to bed. Remind him that he can talk to me in the morning but that it is bedtime now. Close his door. Listen to him scream and cry about his poor treatment. Tell him to unlock his door. Spank him after unlocking door myself. Put him in bed…. All while trying to remain calm, loving and matter of fact, providing only minimal (if any attention) and in no way encouraging him to do anything other than lay quietly.
We've tried singing him to sleep but we usually fall asleep before he does and then he sneaks out of bed. We tried (when he was around 2) putting a child-proof doorknob cover on his door so he couldn't come out only to have him fall asleep with his little fingers sticking out from underneath the door (and his mama's heart breaking). We've tried playing soft music or audio books to encourage him to lay still and be quiet. We've tried "wearing him out" during the day with lots of outdoor activities. We tried Michael Pearl's advice to spank him unemotionally and without a word everytime he got out of bed (with assurance that this would take about 3 days to a week before he learned to stay in bed) only to stand watch outside his room every night for a year, spanking him each time we heard him get up. And still, he gets out of bed.
So we are left with this. I sit at a card table and read, write, work on a project, or do a puzzle every night until he falls asleep, whether at 8:30 or 10:30, keeping watch, spanking as needed, and trying to be patient and firm. Sometimes he goes down without much fuss. Sometimes, we both are in tears before it is all over. More often it is somewhere in the middle, neither of us happy — just resigned.
He came out a moment ago to apologize for saying mean things to me. (A clever ploy to get out of bed again, perhaps, but I let this one slide.) "One day I'm not gonna disobey anyone. Not you or Daddy or Missy or even Baby!"
"I'm glad you don't want to disobey, Bud, but we all mess up sometimes. Even me. We need God's help to be good. If you ask Him, He'll help you." Pause. "Now go back to bed."
*Big Sigh* There is a little boy in my home desperately trying to figure out how to succeed. He has a sweet, loving heart and the curse of the sin nature that is in all of us. But I can't help thinking there is something more we are up against. If it were only sin, I think "the rod" would bring correction, but inspite of all our discipline, he continues to do the same wrong things over and over. He is even scared of his own inability to control his behavior, panicking in certain circumstances.
I need wisdom and patience. I wish I had some answers. But most of all, I need to pray. God cares more about my little boy than even I do. He is faithful to provide all our needs. I just wish I was better at remembering to ask Him for them.
You are such a good mom! And your little ones are so blessed to have someone like you who tries so hard to do what is right for them and by them. Someday, he’ll rise up and call you blessed. Someday, he’ll tell people about how hard you tried. Someday, he’ll thank God for how faithful you were. “Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us…And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Hang in there!
I second what ReallyTrying is saying. I think you're doing a great job. One of my favorite Keith Green lyrics is, "Just keep doing your best, and pray that it's blessed. Jesus takes care of the rest." It might sound a bit trite, but it's so true. The Lord knows what your little boy needs, and He gave Bud to *you* for a reason.
I hope you don't mind if I make one suggestion. I've found it really helps to not have toys in my children's rooms. It's just one less temptation for them at bedtime. Of course, depending on the size of your house it's not always possible to do this. Right now we're lucky to be renting a place with a large area we use as a playroom. Switching to a doorknob he can't lock might also help. Have you tried using a baby gate to keep him in his room? That way he can't come out, but you can still see what he's up to.
As ReallyTrying said, hang in there….and I'll be praying for you!
Thank you for all your encouragement. I get very weary with it all, sometimes. But I know that parenting is a work now, reward later sort of endeavor (in general). I just pray for the strength to keep on trying as hard as I am now.
Amy, I wish we had a playroom for the toys. That would be great. Maybe when the baby is older, I will put her in with Missy and make the extra bedroom a playroom. Toys aren't a huge problem. All his are in a toy box in his closet., but usually we miss one or two under his bed or dresser or something. If he doesn't have toys, he climbs on his headboard and jumps off on to his bed. He'll find something.
Your comment about the baby gate made me chuckle. We used to do this (in fact it worked with Missy), but he was able to climb over it when he was two. He learned to climb over a PRIVACY FENCE in our backyard when he was 3, taking his shoes and socks off so he could get traction with his toes. We jokingly call him Houdini.
A doorknob that can't be locked is a great idea. I'll have to look into that (check with Housing to see if we can switch it).
Thank you for the reminder that God placed him in our family for a reason. Sometimes I wonder.
Oh boy, your reply made me laugh (though I’ve been in tears many times because of my own monkey’s antics)! I can sure relate to “Houdini”. Baby gates didn’t do much for our boys either and they were able to figure out just about any child safety device in about five minutes! I guess I’ve forgotten how crazy they were compared to my compliant daughter
The boys have shared a room right from the beginning (they’re sixteen months apart). We had to bolt their cribs to opposite walls because our oldest would sling his blanket over into his brothers crib while holding on to one end. Little brother would then hang on while they rolled their cribs together and then had a ball climbing in and out of each other’s beds.
We ended up installing and “hook and eye” at the top of their bedroom door so that we could keep them in their room but still see them. I am a VERY deep sleeper and there were a couple incidents when my husband was away. One morning I woke up to water running in the bathtub and both boys slipping about in the water, and another time they climbed over the gate and got into my husband’s laptop bag and opened a package of silica. I was terrified that they would get injured or even killed while I was sleeping!
Amy,
I am LOL over your boys' antics! That's a riot that they used a blanket to "bridge the gap". Love it!
I know what you mean about being afraid something would happen while you are asleep. (See Fire Drill post, and I wasn't even asleep, just in bed!) Oh, what an adventure. I keep a journal for each of the kids so I can write down all the crazy things they do.
I've always said about Bud, "My main parenting goal is to keep him ALIVE until he's out on his own. Anything else I accomplish with him is a bonus."