We are waiting for an important phone call. It is the call from the ADHD clinic saying they are ready to begin evaluating Bud, our almost 5 year old. It has been a long process to get him in to confirm what we are almost certain of anyway. We began back in December by getting a referral to the clinic from his primary care manager. His PCM lectured us about consistency in parenting while Bud punched the air in front of himself over and over and slid from one end of the examining table to another. Consistency. I know. I should be more firm with him. He gets away with too much. I need to make sure we discipline him everytime he breaks a rule. He is probably spoiled. *sob* I ruined him. I am a horrible parent!
A couple of months later we went to an orientation to the clinic where they explained the long process of evaluation we would go through just to determine if we were dealing with ADHD or not. So we filled out the paperwork. I tried to recall all the incidents since Bud's infancy that I could. I reported on all our family members and their struggles with similar issues. I wrote down the names of all the kinds of medicine Bud had ever taken and tried to recall if he kicked a lot while I was pregnant with him. Whew. Ok. Now on to the online surveys. Seven of them to be filled out by me as his mom. Six more to fill out as his "teacher." Check.
A month later we got a call for our "triage" appointment. Bud went with us that time. We were grilled on all our answers to the surveys and questionaires. They wanted to know our discipline methods. *gulp* I am always nervous to talk about this sort of thing with a psychologist, because generally they are against spanking. Yup. I was right. I never saw anyone's eyebrows shoot up so far as when I informed the interrogator counselor that Bud generally received at least one spanking a day. Meanwhile, Bud was scribbling on the paper that had been given to him and he was pounding the crayon onto the paper as hard as he could.
The counselor asked, "Is he destructive?"
My husband and I both looked over at Bud, then back at her. "Uh, yeah. I guess." I hadn't really thought about it.
"You didn't have that marked," she said sweetly, scribbling furiously in her notebook. Later I figured I hadn't mentioned it because the pen marks on the walls and the fork marks in the table top were really the least of our concerns.
We left there feeling like the worst parents ever to have been allowed to procreate. Maybe we shouldn't have spanked him. Maybe it is our fault that he hits because we spank him. He is probably deeply scarred. We ruined him. *sob* I'm a horrible mother! I knew it!
Now we are waiting for the next step where they will actually observe his behavior and test him for one morning each week for two weeks. Then they will all get together and talk about his case the next week. Then they will call us in for a consultation the final week. Sheesh.
Meanwhile, I've put Bud on some herbal and homeopathic supplements as well as cod liver oil. So far (week 6 on the cod liver oil, week 1 on the Focus and Brightspark), we have had some improvement in how quickly he goes to sleep at night. We are down to about 45 minutes to an hour instead of one and a half to two hours. That's good.
I have also been studying some more creative methods of disciplining. I have a Consequence Jar now filled with lots of fun "chores" and other consequences (including a blank slip or "mercy card" so I can talk about God's mercy). We are spanking less (not because spanking is wrong but because it is not very effective with Bud), and trying to understand more. I am struggling to have a more structured schedule, and I am modifying some of my rules so that Bud is set up to succeed instead of fail. During his reading lesson, if he is having trouble focusing and staying on task, I tell him to stand up and read. (It is amazing how much more focused he is on his reading if he can be stamping his feet and kicking his legs up in the air while he reads.)
Some days I still think I am a horrible parent. There are so many things I need to improve that it can be overwhelming. But it keeps me on my knees.
Bud has good days and not so good days. He is one of the sweetest, most affectionate children I've ever known, inspite of all his defiance and antogonistic behavior. He prayed one night, "God, please help me be obedient tomorrow so that I can be a blessing to my mommy." The fight with the lust of the flesh is his fight as well. But I keep reminding him that I'm on his side and so is God. So we keep fighting the good fight and trying to keep things in perspective.
Wow Amanda, this must be really, really hard. I’ll be praying for your family as you go through all these tests. I can totally relate to the “bad parent” feeling. There are so many days when I feel like a complete failure as a parent. You’re right, it sure does keep us on our knees! I’m embarrassed to think of how judgemental I was of other people’s parenting before I had my own children – I am now humbled into the dust
Hey Amanda,
I just found out about this blog today. Keep it up. I really appreciate your writing. I’ll be using your story about not working because you want to be a mommy when I preach come Mother’s Day. Thanks for the illustration. Keep up the good work, both in writing and in your home.
[...] As an indication of the change we have seen in Bud over the past few months, let me relay a couple of incidents that have occurred this week: First, one of his Sunday School teachers approached me after church and I didn’t cringe inside, wondering what Bud had done this time.
Actually, she told me Bud was doing so well in class now. She said, “I only teach his class about once a month, and one month he was one way (always in trouble), and then the next month he was completely different. It was like night and day. We have been able to get to know him now! Did you do something different?” It was encouraging to hear. It kind of balances out the time in a different church when his Sunday School teachers told me they wouldn’t take him in their class anymore ( a couple of years ago). The second incident that occurred was just this morning while we were going to the different stops at the hospital to check out his heart. In the doctor’s office, he played quietly with some toys for an hour while the doctor and I talked. When he got bored, he came and sat on my lap. (This is the same boy who, while we were being “interviewed” about his ADHD originally, was pounding his paper with the crayons and slinging a rubber lizard about the room within 10 minutes. ) Later on in the EKG room, the receptionist commented to me, “He is so well-behaved! Most kids are running around and yelling ! What is your secret!” [...]
… oh dear … knowing your troubles all too well i can only recommend one thing for the lad, trick for you to supply before school but having a dog helps … “exercise”. adhd is usually nonsense. 90% of doctors (quacks) will dole out such “diagnosis” within 5 minutes, prescribe meds and send you off. they fail to mention the kickbacks they recieve for pushing these ‘magic pills’ from the pharma industry.
let or encourage him to romp for at least 15-20 mins before going to school or other important time where it’s required he stay somewhat stationary. Hard exercise burns off that energy quick, every child SHOULD have this energy, he’s normal & healthy, a good thing! while overwhelming it only needs guidance and to be focused.
before pre-school i took mine to the park with my border-collie mix with a soccer ball and let them run themselves silly. we’d also make a game where first i ask him to pick a number 5-20, once chosen i tell him the number (usually 7 or so) then he chooses two trees spaced far enough apart (30-50fmaybe) and runs around them that many times. i cheer on every ‘lap’ he makes, pretending to chase him (letting him win) he feels accomplished and it reinforces learning the concept of numbers. make it a game basically, whatever the task (even the haircuts!)