Sibling Rivalry « Amanda

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Sibling Rivalry

April 13, 2006 by moreorless

I wanted to open up this post as a place for suggestions. My older two kids have been arguing so much lately. My little boy torments his older sister and she spends a good deal of time whining and tattling. I need some tips from the trenches and would love some input. Thanks!

Posted in Parenting | 4 Comments

4 Responses

on April 13, 2006 at 6:12 pm Amy

I know I usually picked on my little sister when I needed some excitement I’ve found that when my kids are really fighting a lot they are either bored or need some time apart. Sometimes I’ll get out some activities for each of them, such as playdough for my daughter, meccano for my oldest etc. A friend of mine with four children under six had different little “work stations” in different rooms of her house with activities for the kids such as lego, books on tape, coloring pages etc. She would divide up the older kids into separate rooms with an activity to do. Just something that they are doing by themselves. Taking them out in the yard to muck about in the sandbox and have lots of space to run about usually eliminates the quarreling at our house for a while too. I’ve also found that when I’m too busy with other things and haven’t spent enough time with one of my children they will initiate fights in order to get my attention. I’ve had to learn to stop what I’m doing give that child some lovin’.

Any hitting or name calling earns the offender some time in bed to cool him/her off (they hate this more than any other form of discipline!). I’ll tell them how long they have to stay in bed (no toys!) and then set the timer on the microwave.

When my sister and I were older my parents would send us out to the carport in winter to “cool us off”. A few minutes of shivering out there and we would decide to make-up and get along There were days we drove our poor mother absolutely nuts!
on April 13, 2006 at 9:11 pm moreorless

Thanks, Amy. Those are great suggestions. I know my kiddos have needed some more one on one time with me, so today I have been making a bigger effort to love on them individually. I love the idea of having workstations in different parts of the house. (I need have been keeping my eye out at garage sales for kids sized tables/chairs because I think it will help with handwriting (and my daughter is always in the middle of some project when it is time to set the table…)

We definitely implement the “cool off in your room” method when dealing with angry outbursts. My daughter, especially, can’t stand to be separated from “society.”

How about in the car? Our little boy is always reaching across the seat to hit or swipe something from his sister. He seems to hit everything and everybody, and it is driving ME crazy, so I know our daughter (who spends a lot of her time with him) must be pushed to the limit of her patience. (Note: The hitting isn’t generally malicious or angry. He just hits things. He even hits people that walk by him in the grocery store.) *sigh* Some days I wonder what I’m going to do. I think I’ll post about our struggles with ADHD…Stay tuned.
on April 13, 2006 at 10:37 pm Amy

I don’t know much about ADHD but here are some things I would try with my kids if we were having problems on car trips. If there was fighting or hitting going on while travelling somewhere, (and you or your spouse were able to stay home with the offender) I would give one warning like, “If you don’t stop fighting we will take you home, and you will stay there with mommy/daddy while the rest of the family goes to (fill in blank).” Our kids really love outings even just to the grocery store so we’ve never gotten past just a warning. But, we have had to be very careful that when we use this threat we are able to follow through if we have to

If you have a large enough vehicle you could arrange the car seats/booster seats so that he isn’t sitting near his sister. We’ve put one of our boys in the middle row and one at the back of our mini-van because they fight when they sit beside each other.

Perhaps getting something your son is allowed to hit while riding in the car and at home would help him. Maybe a small punching bag or bean bag or something? That way he could work it out without bothering his sister. Hope that helps. I’d be very interested to learn more about your struggles with ADHD!
on April 14, 2006 at 8:00 pm moreorless

Amy, I tried giving him an approved object to hit in the car (I decided he could hit the armrest on the door — it was relatively quiet), and I gave both children clear boundaries as to where there arms and hands were allowed to be. It went much better. One time I had to say, “Don’t forget where your hands are allowed to be.” Then he said, “Oh, yeah,” and began hitting the armrest on the door that I told him was “legal.” Thanks for the tip!!

Amanda